Treading Water

I started today with hugs and kisses from my kids. A perfect cup of coffee appeared on my bedside table like magic (thanks hubby). It’s Friday. We have fun plans for this afternoon. It’s not snowing for a change and we can actually carry ON with our scheduled plans. Should be a GREAT day, right?

Then suddenly…I remembered.

I remembered that this is the day that my mother died.

 I remembered that the whole reason for the fun plans this afternoon is because BOTH of my kids are ostracized on the playground because they are “different” and I want and NEED them to have something  HAPPY to look forward to this afternoon instead of the usual ‘Friday Afternoon Letdown’ when they see their friends carted off for playdates that they aren’t included in.  I remembered that this is the last day that my little man will officially be a student in the school he attends with his sister and kind of really likes (on good days).  I remembered that I STILL HAVEN”T BEEN GIVEN A COPY OF MY SON’S IEP and the meeting is on MONDAY. How the hell did I forget that??? Is my head THAT FAR up my ass these days? Apparently it is.

SO…my perfect Friday morning has rapidly turned to crap as I sit here awaiting the return phone call from the school telling me to pick up the IEP (if they know what’s good for them,that call had better come before noon or they WILL see my face). As I sit here, my heart is racing, my whole body is shaking, I am crying out of sheer helplessness, and I can feel my pulse in my neck. again. The ONLY thing getting me through this is knowing that at the end of this school day I am going to put every goddamned thing aside and take my kids to the children’s museum for some fun. I need to hear them laugh like I need air in my lungs. I need to see them be happy kids if only for a little while.  Before we go back to the fighting because Nick is stimming and DRIVING NICOLE COMPLETELY INSANE. Before we go back to PDD-NOS land where I have to keep telling myself BIG PICTURE because I am about to rip away everything that is familiar to my son and toss him into a completely foreign environment and PRAY that I am doing the RIGHT thing. I am shaking with the enormity of what I am being faced with and paralyzed with the fear that I may be making the biggest mistake of all of our lives.

Some days I think life would be so damn perfect if only autism didn’t exist. How great it would be if our kids didn’t have to deal with all of the difficulties they face and the therapies that are so helpful but sometimes seem like godddamned torture to our babies. If we, as parents, didn’t have to deal with such life altering decisions that make the idea of climbing Mount Everest seems like an easy day hike. 

Most days I am truly a glass half full kind of person. Most days I search for that rainbow in the clouds. Today is not that day. Tomorrow may not be that day either.

To quote my dear friend B; ” Autism, please go fuck yourself”.

I agree completely.


5 responses to “Treading Water

  1. Oh girl, this hurts my heart, I hate to see my friends in such pain. You are a good mama for planning an afternoon of fun, and you are an AWESOME mama for doing what it right for your son. Yes, autism is HARD. Yes, these decisions keep us awake at night (anxiety induced insomnia.) Yes, to all of it. I get it. During these stressful times break it down. One step at a time. Eventually you will look back and see just how far you’ve come and how strong you are. Because how do people do it? We do. You are doing it. And you are doing a great job.

    We’re here. Snapping our fingers.

    Thinking of you on this day.

  2. You made your decision to move him knowing that it’s the right thing. It’s so natural to have doubts and to second guess yourself, but you know your guy. He’s going to do great. And if for whatever reason, he doesn’t, then you will find the thing that works next.

    Enjoy your day and enjoy your kids! You’re a GREAT mom!

  3. You are an AWESOME mom and will do what’s right by your kids. Always. I too am thinking of you today and everyday, and you know we’re right there in that room with you on Monday. Have the amazing afternoon that you deserve. ‘Cause that’s what is most important.

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