Hopeful

I’m still here. See? I’m back. It’s only been a month but it seems like years since I last wrote. I told ya I wasn’t a natural at this writing thing on day one so be gentle, ok?  Thanks.
Moving on…. Update on some things that have happened over the past month coming right up.

First…Nick is now in the RIGHT school, with the RIGHT teachers and the RIGHT setting. Can I get an A-MEN! ( go on- gimme that A-MEN! It’s ok. Nobody is watching. I promise!). We are STILL working on the bus thing but since I have had to learn where to stress and where to go easy, I’m not going bananas over the bus. I’ll get it arranged eventually but to be honest, I kind of like bringing my boy to school in the morning, giving him hugs and kisses, and watching him walk off toward the auditorium with a confidence that I haven’t seen in quite a while. It makes my heart sing, ya know? And my heart REALLY loves to sing especially when it hasn’t had much to sing about in a LONG time. I love seeing Nick with his new friends and that smile, that enormous smile that can light up a whole room plastered once again on his face. Seriously, the boy just oozes happiness wherever he goes. As much as I am NOT a morning person, our new daily routine just nourishes my soul. We park the car and take notice of all of the changes we see that come with Springtime. We notice the buds on our favorite trees. We stop to appreciate the scent of newly opened hyacinths, we listen for birds chirping, and decide what the fluffy white clouds look like. On rainy days we splash in puddles and sing that silly song about that snoring old man who bumped his head. Mornings through my boy’s eyes are wondrous things and I’m loving every single one of them.

Of course when there is a “first”‘ it’s only natural that a “second” and sometimes a third that follows. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but the next two kind of suck actually. The “second” big life changing event is that thanks to my internalizing of the intense stress over placement and the IEP meetings and all of that ilk, I now have a lovely little auto immune disease. Not terminal, but highly inconvenient, a lifetime companion, and definitely unpleasant. It’s mostly under control now thanks to an incredible doctor and some medication ( like SIX to NINE pills a day just for that particular health problem) so I’m feeling mostly better. Irritated that I have to deal with it, but at least I can function normally again, whatever ‘normal’ is in my world. It did inspire me to make some radical life changes  starting with the purging from my life of all things unnecessarily stressful. People who have caused me more grief than joy? Buh bye. So called “friends” who really aren’t? Buh bye. Ridiculous television that takes time away from things I could be doing that enrich my life? Buh bye. Eating better, reading, breathing, and laughing -HELLO!!! Spending time with friends who GET IT- yes, please! Most definitely plan to do LOTS more of that. Oh, and counting my many blessings….being grateful for all of the wondrous things in my life like my beautiful family, my pajama mama friends ( you KNOW who you are ❤ ) and a small select group of others that I am blessed to have in my life, my job ( because I am one of those rare individuals who absolutely adore what they do), and food on my table. Yep- life will be very different from here on out because it HAS to be.

Ah now for the “third” thing that has been a major development in the past month. We started Nick on Ritalin. The lowest dose available and the shortest acting med for attention deficit out there. It was an epic disaster. We tried it for the first day at home where we were in a safe, familiar environment and knew the exact moment it hit his system. In an instant, he went from a smiling, happy guy to a surly, aggressive, obsessive, scowling lump of misery. He drew a line on the carpet and told all of us ” don’t you dare cross that line” while he proceeded to perfectly line up every one of his robots. His sister tried to play with him and he swatted her. I crossed the line and sat about a foot away to see what he would do. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be here writing this right now. It went on for about two hours and then- ***poof*** our sweet, smiling boy was back again. The next day I tried it again. We were meeting my girlfriend ( another awesome special needs mama) at the local children’s museum for a play date. Our kids love one another almost as much as they love that museum. Same horrific results on the Ritalin. My happy boy stomped around the museum with his arms folded, scowling, and seeking out things to line up. No good. We were there for nearly two hours before he even noticed my girlfriend and looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time. It was bizarre and unsettling. He is still talking about how he was ‘very angry’ that day but still can’t tell me why. Ritalin? Goodbye to you too ( still awaiting call back from developmental pediatrician at this time about what our next step will be).

So that’s basically it for the major points. Life is different now and that’s ok. I will make it ok because that’s what I do. I firmly believe that something good ALWAYS comes out of something bad so I look forward to seeing the good that will result from the muck and mire of the past month. It’s there…it’s just sometimes a little difficult to see.  I’ll always keep searching though…