Where oh where do I start with this???
I guess I’ll begin with last week. I had a pretty invasive medical procedure that left me pretty bruised inside and out. Recovering from it wasn’t going as smoothly as I had hoped. I had called my boss to tell her that there was just no way I would make it into work today ( which if you knew how much I LOVE my job, you also know how much I despise missing even one day of it). Anyway, I was feeling so physically rotten that despite my excitement about auditioning for a show called “Listen To Your Mother”, I regretfully had to cancel that too. Amazingly enough, one of the lovely producers emailed me that she had a spot open for the morning that I should have stayed in bed. I opted to go and just try. I mean, if I could give my mother’s eulogy a decade ago all while spouting breast milk down my shirt and maintaining my composure, I could certainly do this, right?!?
Um… As it turns out. No. No. I. Could. Not. Not well, anyway. But more on that in a second.

My husband, my biggest cheerleader, chose to take the later train into the city so that I wouldn’t have to travel alone. As we sat next to one another I realized that the last time we had ridden the train with one another was 9/12. Yes. That year but one day after. I was about 6 months pregnant at the time and I had to go into the city because my mother needed some very expensive cancer medication that was only partly filled at the pharmacy the week before. I had no other choice. She needed her medicine and we had to go and get it. Period. It was a surreal and terrifying experience. One that had seared itself into my memory.

So back to today, we rode the train in together and as the train rocked back and forth, my head was spinning in circles. I was experiencing chills like I had never known but with no fever. I knew I should not be doing this today but I just HAD to…
Hubby and I parted ways, he headed towards work and I headed towards something I had never in a million years imagined I would do. I walked a few blocks north to the building where the auditions were being held. I entered the sixteenth floor where the studio was and realized I was in WAY over my head. There were actors and actresses everywhere, warming up for their own auditions in an adjacent studio. I messaged my dear friend Alysia and rhetorically asked “WTH have I gotten myself into?”!? There were some seasoned public speakers who had auditions just before me. I couldn’t help eavesdropping on their conversations and I knew that I was so inexperienced but yet, still surprisingly not nervous. Until they called me into the studio, that is.
I stood up and my inner clutz took the wheel and steered me into the room. It wasn’t pretty. My purse and my coat refused to cooperate and stay seated on the chair. ( why do they always do that when you’re trying to make a good impression? It’s like….they KNOW and are out to get you, right? C’mon. Agree. You know it’s true).
Anyway, the two lovely producers and I introduced ourselves and when I was asked how I heard about the LTYM show, I mentioned that two of our mutual friends had told me about it and encouraged me to go for it. So I did….
Well, let’s just say that my life philosophy is if you are going to do something, give it your ALL! Be the best you that you can be. I discovered I am EXTRAORDINARY ….at crashing and burning. We’re talking EPIC train wreck here. I ROCKED the awful! I doubt anyone was worse and auditioning than I was in the history of the show! I guess I kept to my philosophy. I was the best WORST I could be! If nothing else, my bad was memorable, I’m fairly sure. I mean when you’re sharing audition space and someone starts singing “In The Arms Of An Angel…” by Sarah McLachlin at the very start of you reading an emotional piece, you just HAVE to crumble into a blubbering mess. I mean, its the background song on every sad ASPCA commercial that is on TV in the late hours every night so losing my stuffing was kind of mandatory. Between the 9/11 memories, feeling horrible, and that insanely sad song playing just as I started speaking, I just knew it was over before it had even started.

But ya know something? It’s really ok. I tried. Granted, I failed with the flair that only a true professional flop could fail, but I still tried. I had a wonderful opportunity to meet two women that I only knew from the blog world and twitter and they were truly kind, compassionate, PATIENT ladies. It was really ok. And I WILL try again. Because I’m a little bit nuts like that.
As I attempted, poorly, to pull myself together and get myself and all of my junk out of the room without dropping anything, I realized that I just needed to get myself back to my doctor’s office immediately.
I called as soon as I exited the studio and scheduled an appointment for early this afternoon. Physically, I have felt worse, but not by much.
As I dropped onto my seat on the train, dizzy and queasy, I just couldn’t help but LAUGH. Seriously, I have never messed anything up so .badly before in my life as I did that audition. Oddly, I had a silly pride in the fact that I wasn’t just bad. It was GOD-AWFUL. And knowing it was probably the worst audition in the history of time just make me laugh even more. As I sat there, looking like a crazy person sitting alone and giggling, I happened to take notice of a lady across the row from me. She was unwrapping some really lovely scarves and happened to have dozens of them. I knew at that moment that I just HAD to have a memento of this ridiculous day. I asked her if she was selling them. She looked kind of bewildered and asked if I wanted to buy one. Of COURSE I did. I needed a tangible reminder of one of the oddest days of my life so she let me pick one. It’s bright and cheery and it makes me happy. We had a lovely, all too brief conversation about the arts and jewelry making and before I knew it, I was at my stop. We wished each other well and I headed off to my next adventure.

The doctor’s office.

Not just any doc. He is a gastrointestinal specialist. Which means he tends to poke and prod in regions even my husband has never been granted access to. I ended this bizarro day, with a fiberoptic camera stuffed…. well, I’ll leave that to your imagination. But yes. You’re correct in what you’re thinking. It turns out that I was experiencing complications from that invasive procedure last week. A few medication adjustments and some rest and I’ll probably be feeling better in a few days. At least I hope so.

In the meantime I have to say this day was a huge success. My failure was the pinnacle of disaster (and I’m oddly ok with that), I met several lovely ladies, I have a beautiful new scarf, and a hopefully mending body. I came home to my sweet family, was greeted with hugs, children kisses, dog kisses, and dinner in bed.
All in all, I think I’d have to check this day off as one of the best. As odd as that may sound.
It takes hitting the bottom to really appreciate everything you encounter when you start to bounce back up..
I’m just going to keep on bouncing…


6 responses to “Bounce

  1. I had no idea of all the other emotions going on for you that morning on top of everything else. My friend, you are brave, powerful, and inspiring. So proud of you for going out of your comfort zone and going for it. I’m in awe of you.

  2. Well as your cheerleader….I’m proud of you.
    You did what you had set in your mind to do.
    Train wreck or not….you climbed that hill and faced it with style. Sure….the style you had in mind at that point was not what came out . But knowing you (as I do) I know this will not be your only try at this. I have faith in everything you do.


  3. You know what? This makes me love you even more than I did before. Sister, regardless of outcome, you WORKED that day. I’m so proud of you. And the way you came out of it with good humor and gratefulness? That is something that most people never find. You rock.

  4. I am so impressed that you did it at all!!! You are amazing. And you laughed at the outcome even though it wasn’t what you wanted. Even more impressive than trying and going there in the first place.

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