Some days are just difficult.
Some days I’m forced to pull my head out of my own ass and face the fact that my little boy won’t always be little.
The days are going by quickly. The baby that was placed into my arms will soon be out of grade school and forced into a world where I might not always be there to protect him and keep him safe.
He will be pushed into society and forced to fit in or… Or what?
It’s the unknown that keeps me up night after sleepless night.
Will he have friends? Will he find someone to love who will love him back? Will he graduate high school, go on to college? Have a career? Have a family? Or….I can’t even bring myself to write the words to describe all of the *other* possibilities.
Tonight my little pal had a hard time sleeping because I stupidly allowed him and his sister to watch Goosebumps. He crawled into my bed, and put his little arm around my neck. Then the questions came…
“Mommy? Will you love me forever?”
“Mommy, can I live with you forever?”
“Umm, well one day you may want to try to live in your own house.”
“Mommy, will I get married?”
“Do you want to get married?”
“Yes! And I want to have kids!”
“You do?” (interesting because he loathes babies).
“Yes! I want three boys and two girls!”
(In my head- One in eighty eight today. Dear God, what will the stats be then?)
“You want FIVE children?!?! Wow!”
“Yes! and I want you to live with me!”
(Of course. Built in babysitting. Uh huh. This kid is SMART!)
“How will I fit in your house with your wife and five kids?”
“You just will. Because I love you.”
He loves me. This little angel really does love me. I know it in my soul because for the first three years of his life he hardly seemed to even care who I was. But now? Oh HOW he loves me. It’s my oxygen.
I told him I loved him too and it was time to go to sleep. He fell asleep holding my hand.
Those questions he asked? Those are the same questions that keep me awake all night, every night.
Too often, many typical parents take for granted that their child will grow up, graduate from college, start a career, get married and start a family. That’s how life is supposed to go, right?
Parents of kids with special needs don’t take anything for granted. Every single word out of my son’s mouth is a miracle. Every thought, story, and idea he creates is A Gift.
Tonight I will try to squash the fear that is ever present in my mind and celebrate all that my little guy has become since they placed him in my arms not too long ago. He has come so very far. Instead, I’ll be awake because he’s snoring and I just don’t have the heart to put him back in his bed.
Tonight? He stays here with me. Safe and protected.